


On Camping Trips

by cruisedirector



Category: Captain America (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Bad Jokes, Camping, Children's Literature, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Food, Gen, Harry Potter References, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Spells & Enchantments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 02:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14558748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruisedirector/pseuds/cruisedirector
Summary: Sam is more Hermione than Natasha is, and Steve doesn't want to be Harry.





	On Camping Trips

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dementordelta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dementordelta/gifts).



> I'm not at all sure the Avengers timeline matches up with the real world Harry Potter publication/release dates well enough for this conversation even to be possible. Please just go with it.

"I am _not_ Hermione," insists Natasha. "You're only saying that because she and I both have breasts. Hermione is by-the-book. I'm improvise-and-run-with-it."

"Well, _I'm_ not Hermione." Sam is angling to take the last hot dog, but waits to see whether Steve plans to claim it first. "Obviously _he's_ Harry --" 

When Sam points, Steve glances up to shake his head. In that moment, he and Sam both reach toward the fire, so their hands nearly bump in the middle. Steve pulls his back, conceding the hot dog, which Sam grabs at once. 

"Obviously, I'm Ron," Sam announces, dunking the hot dog in mustard since they've run out of buns.

"If you're Ron and Nat's Hermione, doesn't that mean you want to marry her?" asks Steve. Sam sputters around a mouthful of food, which makes Steve laugh. "Plus, if you're Ron, it means you'll disappear when you're angry at us and it'll take us a long time to find you."

"That'd make Bruce Ron," mutters Natasha, almost too quietly for anyone to hear.

"Don't you be telling me that I'm Neville," warns Sam, swallowing another bite.

"I was thinking Ginny." Both Steve and Sam start to object before Natasha holds up a hand so she can continue. "Not in a marrying-Harry sense. Those couples at the end were the least believable thing in the whole book, and that book had a talking snake --"

"It wasn't a talking snake. It was that Harry could speak Parselmouth," Steve interjects.

"Parsel _tongue_ ," Sam corrects him. "That slimy thing could only talk so much because it had Voldemort's soul..."

"Don't say his name!" Now Steve and Natasha sit up in unison. A moment later they high-five each other while Sam snorts at them.

"My point about Ginny is that she's the best flier out of everyone." Natasha can finally finish her thought. "She's a better Seeker than Harry. She's the one who plays professional Quidditch."

"Because Harry makes other choices," Steve insists, sipping lukewarm water from a plastic thermos lid.

Sam, who's drinking beer, shakes his head again. "Just because Harry's the hero doesn't mean he could automatically have done everything better than everyone else."

"Ginny and Hermione are both better at hexes than he is," says Natasha.

"Hermione doesn't like to use hexes," says Steve.

"I thought you weren't even paying attention when we read the books," says Sam, tossing Steve an unopened bag of chips. "Let me guess, your super-memory lets you remember the details even if you slept right through Nat doing her best McGonagall. Who'd be just your type if she wasn't about ninety years old. Then again, that might be perfect for you."

"Sam," Natasha scolds, but Steve is smiling.

"If Peggy Carter had wanted to save the world by being a teacher, she and McGonagall would have had a lot in common." He tugs at the bag of potato chips. "But I can't keep Parselmouth and Parseltongue straight." After struggling momentarily to be neat about it, Steve rips the bag open so hard that chips fly out toward the fire. "I watched two of the movies on TV one night when you were sleeping that off." His chin points to Sam's beer. 

Sam only indulges when they've just tried to stop something terrible from happening. They may be on the run, but none of them can look away from suffering if they could intervene. Especially not Steve.

Natasha must have that precise chain of thought, because she says, "It's still obvious which of us is Harry." Her smile warms her voice.

"I'm not Harry. I'm not some wizard prophesied to save the world. You might as well say Tony Stark is Harry."

There's incredulous laughter from Natasha and an irritated grunt from Sam. "Rich boy, daddy issues, arrogant, overcompensating," Sam reads off on his fingers. "Stark is more Draco than Harry."

Natasha grins, but Steve does not. Even now, after everything with Bucky, and the airport, and their friends left in prison, Steve will defend Tony. "You know Stark would never have thrown in with Vol --"

"Stop saying his name," Nat reminds Steve. "You're right. Tony's no Malfoy. Horace Slughorn, maybe."

Sam snickers.

"Anyway," Steve continues. "I'm probably more Remus Lupin than Harry. I was born one thing and turned into another."

"Does that make Bucky Sirius?" Natasha looks speculative, but Steve shakes his head.

"Bucky isn't going to die. He's going to come back."

"You know it," nods Sam. He lets Natasha take the chips. Then he breaks into a grin.

"What?" Steve and Nat ask simultaneously.

"Well, isn't it obvious? Bucky is Buckbeak. _He_ came back."

"Oh, fuck you!"

"Language!"

"Really, Cap?" There's good-natured laughter all around. "Hey, Nat. Give me the chips." A pause from Sam. "Don't make me use that bat-bogey hex."

"This was all your ridiculous analogy in the first place." Stretching, Natasha puts the bag out of everyone's reach. "Who's Thor in this scenario?"

Steve and Sam both look stumped, then Sam grins. "Gilderoy Lockhart," he says, pretending to toss his long hair and cape.

"Very funny. Thor is definitely a Gryffindor. He's brave, he's loyal, he takes risks..."

"So's Cedric Diggory, who's not a Gryffindor. And Thor's brother is the epitome of a Slytherin."

"Very Sirius and Regulus."

"Regulus eventually turned away from the Dark Side. Like Darth Vader. Do you think Loki --"

"Don't! This is complicated enough without bringing up _Star Wars_ parallels. Steve, you finally saw Star Wars, right? So no spoilers?"

Vision is content to listen. The Harry Potter novels and films are part of the vast library in his programming, but it has never occurred to him to draw correspondences between his friends and the characters in those stories. There are no artificial intelligences in Harry Potter, but there are characters who can fly without a broom.

" _Wingardium leviosa_ ," he utters experimentally, focused on the bag of potato chips. Wanda calls them crisps, but Wanda was not built by Tony Stark and Bruce Banner, with, as Sam likes to say, a side of Ultron.

"You need a wand for that," Wanda murmurs sleepily beside him while Natasha and Sam continue their argument about whether Loki is more like Regulus Black or Severus Snape. Steve is watching them both with a lopsided smile on his face. 

Steve loves Nat and Sam.

Steve cannot be the compliant chosen one his government's ministers wish him to be.

Steve doesn't need a wand, or even a shield, to be a hero.

Steve is definitely the most like Harry.

"You wouldn't need a wand to cast _Bombarda_ ," Vision reminds Wanda, who is practically asleep again. 

"That spell only exists in the movies. In the books it was something else."

"I think she's right." Yawning, Natasha shrugs into a jacket, scooting closer to the fire. "Sam, how did Hermione open that door to free Sirius in the book? Was it _Expulso_?"

"I think it was _Alohomora_. She didn't need an explosion, just a unlocking spell."

"See? This is why you're her. Ron wasn't even there -- he was in the infirmary when they rescued Sirius and Buckbeak."

"Shut up, I am not Hermione!"

Vision, of course, is not supposed to be here. These are wanted criminals, and he is under official instruction to report any sightings and to bring them in. But Vision thinks that, like the Minister of Magic in Harry Potter, Secretary of State Ross has trouble seeing past his own need for bureaucracy.

Tony believes there may be something worse than Voldemort lurking just beyond their ability to see it coming. Thor has gone searching for a power even he can't understand -- a power connected to the stone in Vision's head.

Vision may not appreciate literature in the same way that his friends do, but he understands what his role must be.

"You should sleep," he tells them all. "Don't worry. I'll keep watch."


End file.
